An Apostate's Soul
by KiwiKagome
Summary: Melora Hawke was trapped in a pretty monochrome world, with her mother blaming her for her younger sister's death and forced to seal everything off, including her heart and soul. Enter Anders, who thought he was the only one suffering, until Melora strolled into his clinic seeking his help. [AndersXF!Hawke] [Hints of AlistairXF!Cousland]
1. Jobs

**Bioware owns Dragon Age and all the characters, I own Melora, though, and any future OCs**

 **Melora Hawke:  
Age: 22 (Act 1) 23 (Act 2) 26 (Act 3)  
Height: 5'4"  
Hair: Black  
Eyes: Icey Blue  
Personality: Sarcastic half the time, serious on certain matters. Blames herself for Bethany's death and other things of that matter. Likes to 'help' close combat, despite being a mage. Cares for mages and is terrified of templars, minus Cullen.  
Best Friends: Definitely Varric, Isabela and Aveline.  
Magic: Fire, Lightning and** **Force**

 **An Apostate's Soul  
** **Chapter One: Jobs**

* * *

Being the daughter of a noblewoman didn't carry much like it did before. In Ferelden, that just made annoying men ask for her hand while women snubbed her at every chance. Also, they ignored the fact of her being a mage, just because of her looks and not her personality. Melora Nita Hawke had always found little interest in love and men, though that didn't stop her from messing around as soon as she was 19. She had even slept around a little around here in Kirkwall, across the Waking Sea from Ferelden in the Free Marches.

Her staff swung as she walked, the silver staff with a crescent moon on the bottom and a sharp knife-blade on the other was her favorite thing to use, since it rarely backfired one of her fire spells, being more attune to fire and lightning spells than others. The silver matched her one glove that looked like claws when she had her hand open. The mantle she wore was left to her by her father, Malcolm Hawke. Her icey blue eyes glanced around at her surroundings before darting over her shoulders to her friends as she brushed aside a strand of her raven-black hair away from her right eye.

"How much farther is it again, Aveline?" She asked.

A red-haired warrior grunted a little. "Another few minutes, Hawke. According to the roster, there should be something waiting up ahead. Just get ready for a fight." Aveline Vallen stated, her armor clinking as she walked.

Hawke sighed. "Why did I agree to play guard again? I had enough last time." She stated, rolling her eyes slightly.

"Cause you like to electrocute people that harm people, Hawke." A dwarf carrying a rather large crossbow stated.

"Curse my 'help people' nature. Well, I've been getting bored. Thanks for the reminder, Varric."

Varric Tethras chuckled as an elf near him seemed to glare. "Relax, Broody. Hawke has yet to electrocute either you, Rivani, Junior or Aveline..."

A man with Hawke's hair color huffed. "Maker's breath, dwarf. Stop calling me that!"

"I could call you worse, Carver." Melora taunted, enjoying her brother visibly bristling at the insult. Her younger brother, Carver Hawke, was a warrior and never saw eye-to-eye what she dealt with every day being a mage. He was also twin to Bethany Hawke, who had died a few months earlier, on their trip to Kirkwall. She was about to comment something else before she noticed some armed men in a large clearing. "Those the guys?"

"Well, yeah, but not the ones we're looking for." Aveline said, unsheathing her sword and shield as Hawke swung her staff, their other companions following suit, another warrior, a tan rogue and two more mages mirroring the action.

"Try not to get to hurt, Hawke." A blonde mage warned.

"Keyword is 'try', Anders. I can't guarantee that." She joked, rushing off to join the close-combat companions, something she had always done from watching Carver fight. Despite being three years older, she always marveled at how Carver held himself in battle, slashing and enjoying being close to the action. So, she always rushed in to help, despite being a mage and using her agility to be able to dodge most hits. Though, there were few instances where she'd need healing from Anders, a former Grey Warden mage.

"You're very crazy, Hawke!" The tanned rogue teased, spinning to avoid a hit, her blades slicing the attacker in the chest.

"You just realized that, Isabela? I've known for years how crazy my sister gets!" Carver said.

"Less talky, more slicey!" Melora said, knocking a sword out of an attacker's hand and lighting them on fire before swinging her staff. Before she could summon another fireball, an assassin appeared and managed to not only cut through the side of her mantle, but deep enough to make her cry out a little before using her Mind Blast to send them flying into a rain of arrows from Varric. Seeing she was surrounded slightly, she summoned her mana into her staff and swung it in front of her, summoning lightning before summoning a storm around her, making sure to avoid the others.

Aveline managed to defeat her group and went to guard Melora from the back, something she always did. "Did that harm you badly, Hawke?"

"Nothing I'm not used to by now." She replied, lighting her staff on fire to hit the next attacker. "Maker's breath. How many are there? At this rate..." She already felt that her mana was low, not wanting to really use a lyrium potion if she could avoid it. Not that she could, seeing reinforcements running to join. "Here come some more!" She warned, sending a lightning bolt towards them, stunning them before a second one hit them. This time, she stayed back, not wanting to aggravate the wound she just got. By the time they finished, even Anders and the elf mage were tired. "Finally..."

"Anyone besides Hawke hurt?" Anders joked, though was serious.

"Not really, mage." The warrior elf grunted.

"Fenris, stop with the frowning." Melora said, wincing when she put her staff back on her back and felt the tingling of the healing from Anders, grinning slightly. "That was fun. There might be more up ahead. Let's see what is going on." She saw Carver shake his head. "Something on your mind, Brother?"

"I still have no idea where or how you get that from." He said, crossing his arms.

"Call it my charm. I like that." She joked, grinning at her brother's look of disbelief before turning the grin to Anders. "Thanks."

"That's what I'm here for." He replied, meeting the grin with his own.

"I do wonder why Hawke gets to fight with the others." The elf mage stated, seemingly in awe.

"Daisy, you should know that's how Hawke works by now. You've known her for a few months now." Varric said.

Melora shook her head as they made their way to where the ambush was set up. "Looks like there's a little more here than the last bunch... This might be interesting."

"Sister, can't you just stay away from the fighting like a normal mage?" He sighed, exasperated at her.

"I've never been 'normal' Carver, remember?" She said. "That's why I also joined with you when we went to fight at Ostagar. Then again, I barely helped out."

Fenris seemed to nod in agreement. "At least you didn't electrocute us."

Melora ignore the comment, knowing he didn't like her due to her being a mage. He was a former slave to a magister, a mage that could have titles in Tevinter, and hated mages for some reason. She had tried to show him that not all mages were bad, but after a while, she could only take so much hatred towards her fellow mages. Her heart went out to the former slave, but there was no cause to hate on innocent mages. "Anyway, let's just finish this and head back... Though... I'd rather not head back to Gamlen..." She also hated her uncle for always playing the injured party, even when it came to 'rent' from her mother Leandra.

"You can always come to the Hanged Man, Hawke. This time, it'll be on me, sweetness." Isabela said as they went to fight those waiting for an ambush.

Melora sighed and decided to stay back this time, giving herself more time to heal and distance herself from the fight, even if her nature wanted to rush in and help fight. She had always found it easy for her to get close to fire spells of than having to take time to aim, like a normal mage.

When Malcolm Hawke was alive, he said she was a special little girl and would be able to always find her way of fighting as she got older. He even mentioned how she would only know certain spells and not fully learn the others, despite trying. She smiled softly at how that was right, she only knew fire elemental spells, electric primal spells, the Spirit Bolt of the spirit spells, which she considered electricity and only Mind Blast of arcane.

By the time the fight was over, Melora felt her brother's glare when she walked passed to help Aveline figure out what happened. "They're well equipped, aren't they, Ave?"

"Yeah... But, the dead is dead and the road is clear. Captain Jeven needs to know of this. Back to the barracks for your just rewards."

Melora grimaced at that. "Why do I feel like he might send me to get made Tranquil?"

"You worry too much, Sister." Carver said.

She bit back a response, knowing he wouldn't understand her. The only ones that really understood her are dead, so there weren't any close to her that she could vent to. Mentally shaking her head, she tuned out the pain as she listened in on a conversation between Carver and Isabela.

"I saw you at the Blooming Rose the other night."

"What? No, you didn't." He denied.

"I suppose someone else stole your chin to romance Faith?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Carver rolled his eyes and scoffed lightly. "That's unlikely. She wasn't even working."

"Mm-hmm. Gotcha."

Melora's eyes nearly fell out of her head as she fought a laugh. "Carver! What would Mother say?"

"Oh ho! Nicely done!" Varric broke out laughing.

Aveline flushed and smirked. "Carver!"

Merrill, the Dalish elf, frowned and tilted her head. "I don't get it..."

Anders shook his head. "As you should. Just be blissfully ignorant on this."

That made Melora feel slightly better, though not enough to wanna go back 'home' and deal with Carver taking Gamlen's side on everything. She mentally sighed at how her little brother was hell-bent on mirroring their mother's 'relationship' with their uncle, even if it killed him. She walked with Aveline into the barracks, leaving the others outside, just because she was the one Aveline asked, heading towards a door, getting stopped by Aveline.

"That's Jeven's office. Wait while I explain our initiative." She said, entering and closing the door behind her.

Melora leaned on the wall and played with her bangs, listening in on the 'conversation' between her friend and the boss.

"I don't know how they do it where you're from, Guardswoman, but **I** decide the patrols, not you and your whims!" Came the order. "You may have been put up for lieutenant in your first year, but I'll have no show-offs in my command! Have I made myself clear? Report to your post before I have you and your Ferelden accomplice jailed!"

Melora turned to see Anders and Carver had joined her and she shrugged when they both raised an eyebrow as she watched Aveline storm out of the office. She raised an eyebrow. "Well, what a charming fellow."

"I don't have to like him, but he could at least listen. Bandits are dead- that's all that should matter."

"Lemme guess. This isn't the first time?" Melora guessed.

"Yes. Something is very wrong."

"So I take it it's a bad time to bring up my bill with him?" She joked.

"He'll throw you in jail, I don't doubt that. The rest though..."

After talking to Guardswoman Brennan, they found out that Guardsman Donnic was carrying the much heavier satchel, which made Melora smirk. "I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable lie to explain this."

"I'd be willing to listen, but not while a guard might be walking into a trap. Brennan said Donnic. A good man." After a few moments, she found his name. "I got his route. A peaceful stroll in Lowtown, let's make sure it stays that way."

Melora could tell that her jokes were grating Aveline's nerves, but couldn't help it sometimes. She enjoyed a happier feeling than a dull one. She watched as the former knight-captain Jeven was dragged out, threatening to not only throw them in jail, but see to it that Melora was made Tranquil. It made her more eager to get onto Varric's brother Bartrand's expedition, so that she wouldn't have to fear having the brand on her forehead.

* * *

 **Vola... Chapter one is done. I love how I have my f!Hawke almost 'bipolar' sometimes. Where she is cheery yet often has very depressing thoughts if left alone long enough. She's very unique to me that way, as with Jaya, my Warden, she was more 'serious' and rarely went down a dark path, unless her friends were there to pull her back.**

 **This is near the very beginning of Dragon Age 2, so Melora can't tell who to trust and who not to. As far as she knows, only Aveline is trustworthy. Even if she appears to be friendly to others, it's her judging them slightly.  
~~Skittles~~**


	2. Drinks

**Bioware owns Dragon Age and all the characters, I own Melora, though, and any future OCs**

 **An Apostate's Soul  
** **Chapter Two: Drinks and Talks**

* * *

Melora decided to just follow Varric to the Hanged Man, the bar of Lowtown. She had to get unstressed from dealing with Fenris and she sat down with Isabela and banged her head on the table. "Relax, hon. It's not bad." Isabela commented, waving Norah over.

"'Not bad'? There's so much I can take from him... I don't know how to get him or Carver to see that I can't help being born with magic." She fought the tears by biting her lip as Norah brought them a drink. Melora made a mental note to pay Isabela back once the Deep Roads expidition was over.

For now, the rogue was the one treating her whenever she had these thoughts. Between Isabela and Varric, the two knew how much she hated how she was born with magic and that it was why she never found a place to call her own. Drinking a little, she wandered down the dark road of hating her magic.

It was because of it that Bethany died, of why Carver always hated her and why Fenris despised her. Also, she'd never be able to have children without them being born with magic, their father hating her and them more. All she wanted was a happy life filled with love and joy. But, no... Life decided to curse her with the magic her father had. The only time she felt normal was when she was talking to either Merrill or Anders, and she knew it was because those two were also mages.

She sighed into her drink, laying her head on the table and looking at the entrance, as if wanting someone to appear and take her away. No matter how she sleeps around, she still believes in a true love and she has yet to find one, so she keeps her heart far away from any of her flings. "Why can't those two idiots see I can't help that I was born with magic? Do they want me to become Tranquil? I just want them to be my friend, that's all. And I want Carver to smile like he always did as a kid whenever I showed him a small amount of magic." She rotated her head to see Varric had joined them. "I can't make anyone happy, no matter what I do... Even my own family hates my magic... And I'm starting to see why."

"Hawke, you've saved our asses with your magic multiple times. There's no reason to hate it. It's who you are and who most of us have come to know and respect, minus Broody." Varric said. "You first need to be happy yourself before trying to make anyone else happy."

She was unaware another had entered the pub when she sighed. "I'm half-tempted most of the time to just get the seal on my forehead and deal with whatever happens. Maybe then I'd not be a danger to anyone..."

"Dear, that'd be a bad idea. And I come up with bad ones myself." Isabela sighed before smirking. "Look who came out of the hovel."

"It's not a hovel. It's the clinic and you know that." Anders said, shaking his head before sitting next to Hawke. "This a normal thing?"

She nodded slightly and took another drink. "Only to get away from not only Gamlen, but Carver... Sometimes I feel for Mother, having to deal with those two. She won't join me here or anywhere to get away from them." She stared at her drink, half-tempted to ignite it in anger or just cry into it, settling on staring instead. "I wonder why Mother never once complained that me and Bethany were mages, despite having a non-mage in Carver. There were plenty of times she could've left me and Beth to have Carver..." She saw Aveline also join them. "Oi, what did I do now?" She whined, drinking a little more.

"I've known you since we left Ferelden, what's going on?" The warrior sat on the opposite side of her friend.

She shook her head and frowned. "I'm wondering why Mother hadn't just left me and Beth to raise Carver. Perhaps it was because me and her were the only tie to Father or something. One day, I just want her to look at me and not say it's my fault that Bethany died. Just for once, I'd like to see the little boy that always smiled at me back. Not the cold brother that he is now... That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful." She chugged the last of her drink as Norah filled it back up. "I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. And yet, I'm still the first one who has to solve problems, without a word of thanks..."

Varric sighed and everyone shared a look, Anders being stunned, looking at Varric as the dwarf shrugged. The two rogues knew of how much Hawke hated how her brother seemed to grow more and more angry at her, when all she wanted was for him to admire her like he used to. A drunk Hawke always said her deep thoughts and that allowed the three to bond. But now, with Aveline and Anders, Varric wasn't sure what other thoughts Hawke would say with those here, knowing very well that Hawke had felt closer to Anders over the months.

Aveline, on the other hand, knew how hard Bethany's death had hit Hawke. She had seen how Leandra had blamed her for letting her get killed and how she was never able to truly mourn, like her mother could, because she was 'the eldest'. She even saw how, no matter what, Carver always criticized Hawke's actions. Even now, she wondered if her friend would finally be able to mourn properly.

Anders looked concerned and had no idea about how she managed to be so joyful normally, but now was the opposite of how he had met her. Justice kept reminding him to only keep a distance from Hawke and he had obeyed, though he found it getting harder to not comfort her without risking letting her too close. His life, since Amaranthine, was no longer safe for anyone and he felt dragging someone like Hawke into it was as bad as seeing an innocent mage be made Tranquil.

"I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty two and I am already exhausted. Then again, I know that Beth would be scolding me right now." She downed another drink, sighing. "Well, time to head back..." She mumbled a few farewells and left, steeling her heart and soul from the yelling she will be getting. Even her features were stonily cold, something she had learned from Bethany's death. Opening the door, she was greeted by the usual yelling.

"Melora Nita Hawke!" Leandra Hawke shouted, getting the two males to look her way. "Where have you been?"

"I'm twenty two, mother. I don't need a curfew." She replied woodenly and headed into the off room, getting stopped by her mother.

"You are still my daughter! You have to obey my rules. Now, where were you? Hanging around with those strange people you call friends? You'd think Aveline would watch you to prevent that. And you let your poor baby brother be influenced by shady characters?!"

Melora inhaled at the hurt those words caused. Since Bethany's death, her mother has been all but coddling Carver and forgetting she even was here, except to scold. And Carver let her coddle him, which hurt more. Knowing full well where those thoughts went and knowing that they summoned demons to her mind, she shut the door and locked it behind her as she went to her corner to pull out a book and her diary, running her hands over the book. It was all she had of her father and she always felt like it calmed her, like he was still there. She stared at the journal entry from when she and the others came to Kirkwall.

 _ _ **'Well, I suppose I can write while Mother, Carver and Aveline are asleep. I wish I would've switched with Beth today. Then Mother wouldn't be blaming me for her death, Carver would still have his twin and I wouldn't be living with all this hate.**__

 _ _ **Father, I often wonder if there isn't anything I touch that doesn't go to hell. First you died of that illness, then Bethany died to an ogre. I want to go back to when you were around... That was the only time I felt happy... Now, I have to hide who I am, even with friends... Crap... They're waking up... With dwindling luck, I might be able to find time to write some more...'**__

Melora bit her inner lip as she drifted off to where she often felt happy: the Fade. As a child, her father trained her to mentally enter the Fade if she needed a break. She and her father spent so many hours in the Fade, talking privately about anything from boys to what she liked about being a sister. She opened her eyes to see the familiar world, knowing soon she might not be alone. __'Dad? Beth? Anyone?'__

A girl with Melora's hair color and amber eyes appeared, a man with black hair and blue eyes appearing soon after. __'Hey, Melly...'__ The girl said.

 _ _'Beth... I'm so sorry... If I had acted faster...'__

 _ _'Don't blame yourself, dear sister... I wanted to save Mother, but it appears she doesn't see that...'__ The spirit of Bethany said, frowning.

 _ _'You're telling me... Ever since then, she's shoved me away and held Carver tighter to her... She's so grief-stricken that she blames me for anything I do... Half the time, I feel so worthless to her that I believe I'll be better with the mark on my head...'__ In the Fade, Melora could let her emotions out, knowing no one was there to see her break down. __'I just want her to not blame me for once. That's why I go hang around with my friends, to get some comfort.'__

Malcolm Hawke rested a hand on her head. __'Just do what makes you happy, baby girl. Your mother may be distant or whatever now, but she wants you happy, too.'__

Melora looked away, frowning. __'She still blames me for your deaths. I made a vow when you died, Beth, that I won't let anyone see me break down. Here, in the Fade, with you two, I don't mind...'__

 _ _'I suppose you're stubborn about that, so I'll support you... Just remember there might be light amidst all the darkness. You've opened up to at least a few people, baby girl. I've always been proud of you and that'll never change. I think someone wants you in the waking world...'__

 _ _'It feels like a mage, so, perhaps it's one of your friends?'__ Bethany asked.

 _ _'No one has ever visited me in Gamlen's hovel before... If they are a mage, I'm sure that Mother and the other two put on a face. I__ _don't see why they'd start now.'_ She sighed and left, seeing Anders staring at her and she panicked, shoving the books behind her, but knocking a few staves down. "Shit. Sorry. Didn't expect anyone."

"I'm the one who's sorry, Hawke. I didn't want to disturb you. Mind if I ask what you were doing? It seemed like the Veil rippled around you for a while there." He asked, helping her pick up the staves.

That made her blink and tilt her head a little, wondering why he wanted to know. "Well... I was taught by my father how to mentally enter the Fade if I needed to. Since then, I've been able to do so at will. Though, I often forget where I am at..." Once the staves were up and in the correct place, she finally faced Anders. "So, something happen? Usually I can have a longer 'Fade-Time' than this..."

"I had a friend like you once. Got into all kinds of trouble, dragged me along. I didn't think I'd be doing that again." He said, watching as Hawke ignored her mother and family to exit with him to talk. "I got a bit weighty last time. Sorry for putting that on you."

She blinked and shrugged, placing a smirk on her face. "You'd be surprised how people tell me their darkest secrets... I must look trustworthy or something."

"You look... something, Hawke... True. Proud. Like even if you don't agree with me, you'll be honest."

That made her stare at him, wondering how he thought that of her, when even she herself didn't. It was something that she was so confused about with him. He claimed to see a 'pureness' to her, when she saw the opposite in her.

"I just hope I didn't seem too selfish when I told you about Justice." He glanced away, running his words through his head as he spoke. "I didn't know what would happen. I figured a willing host, a friend... I suppose I thought it had to be better than playing the demon and haunting a corpse."

Hawke sighed and felt the same. If she could, she would have not only her father, but Beth in her head. "We can't always predict the outcome of our actions... I learned that the hard way. But, we can only make them with a true heart..." She wondered if her father had rubbed off on her in her Fade-trip.

Anders must've been stunned, too, since he blinked at her, soon grinning a little. "Kind, wise and beautiful. You must've made a deal with some demons yourself..."

"Nope. Just plain ol' me." Hawke smirked.

"I shouldn't have presumed you did. I just... we've just met, yet I feel like I know you." Anders said as they walked to Hightown. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't mean I want you to stop..."

"I'll keep that in mind. I warn you though, I'm not a safe man to get involved with. I'll hurt you."

"Why would you hurt me?" She was confused for a few seconds before it hit her in the eyes when he replied.

"You saw what I did in the chantry. That's who I am. A year ago, maybe we could have had something. But I'm not that man anymore. I'll break your heart... And that might kill me surely as the templars."

"I've suffered a lot worse, believe me. It's not like I'm not used to it." She stated, looking at the sky and letting her words out that she often saved for when she talked to her father and sister. "If I wanted safe, I think I'd stay home everyday."

That got him to chuckle and the sound sent shock waves throughout her system. "True. You are unique that way, Hawke."

Melora felt a lot better now, liking how she could tease him, yet be able to be honest with him. Sure, he often shot a few advances down, but he still fought beside her. And he wasn't bad on the eyes, either. "That's... one word for it." The two wound up in the barracks, where Aveline was waiting.

"There you are, Melora... Hello, Anders." Aveline smirked a tiny bit, only really visible to Melora.

"What's up, Aveline?" She asked.

"Just wanted to thank you for helping me get to where I am now... It's where I'm supposed to be, I guess."

Melora smiled coyly and raised an eyebrow at Anders, making him blink. "So I have the Captain of the Guard in my pocket... That'll keep the law away from me..."

"You'll behave yourself."

"You never let me have fun."

"I think that's best for us all."

Melora huffed and pouted before chuckling. "Well, you get to have fun with Donnic, anyhow."

That got the warrior to glare at her, red-faced. "What. Was that, Hawke?" That got her friend to grab Anders' arm and rush out of the office, grinning.

* * *

 **There we go... Gimme credit.. I have two stories going on that are happening at the same time in the Dragon Age timeline. Dragon Age 2 is said to start at the beginning of the Fifth Blight, but I realized how weird that is. Anders is in Kirkwall, yet he goes back? Say what? And then he is recruited, yet is still in Kirkwall?**

 ***.* Much confused..  
~~Skittles~~**


End file.
